Tinselitis #10: The Final Countdown

Christmas will be here in just four sleeps. Over the past ten weeks, I've manically given a week-by-week rundown of my countdown to Christmas. Yes, the presents have been bought and wrapped, yes I've decided that the majority of Christmas shoppers are miserable gits, and, yes, it's been fun. But this week is about something a little different.

Every Christmas, I do something most wouldn't expect of me. Last year, I made a donation to a local charity shop. This year - spurred on by my wonderful cousin's wonderful best friend - I decided to make a donation to the Crisis charity. If you can spare it - which some can, some can't - then you can't go far wrong with buying a homeless person a Christmas dinner and somewhere warm to stay this weekend. Visit http://community.crisis.org.uk/reserved to reserve a Christmas dinner for someone. You'll be glad you did.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas ♥




Excerpt from Crisis.org.uk:

For many of us, Christmas is the best of times, sharing precious time with loved ones and friends. When you’re homeless, Christmas can be the hardest time of all. Cold, hungry and alone, there’s often nothing to enjoy, no one to be with, and little hope of anything better.

By reserving a place you will be providing three nutritious meals for someone like John below, as well as the chance to benefit from life-saving services such as health checks, housing advice and the chance to learn new skills and perhaps most importantly companionship and support to feel like a human being again.

If we can welcome homeless people in at this toughest of times, with the offer of a good meal and good company, it can be the start of getting them off the streets and out of homelessness for good, and your gift will be invaluable in making this happen.

Tinselitis #9: Let It Snow..!

No matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to repress my insatiable desire for a White Christmas. And every year the British weather threatens to fulfil my dreams with tantalising tales of incoming snowstorms and two-foot deep snow. We've come pretty close in recent years - last November featured some pretty amazing scenes, and catastrophic travel chaos - but this years' weather warnings proved to be nothing but a damp squib here in London.

I eagerly watched the weather reports all week to see details of the snow in the northern parts of the UK and severe weather warnings issued in Scotland and northern England. Hearing that the snow would reach London on Friday, I headed to bed on Thursday in a fit of excitement, hopelessly anticipating the beautiful white scene that would greet me as I rose on Friday morning. What did I get when I woke up? Rain.

Stupid, slushy rain that is to snow as I am to Barack Obama. I'm slowly giving up hope of ever seeing a white Christmas in London. In my head, I've already drafted, scraped, re-drafted, and composed a stern letter to the Met Office complaining about their rubbish forecasts. We're only eight days away from Christmas Day, and I will be keeping an eye out for the snow I've been promised. If I don't get it, next Christmas might need to be spent in Norway. Either that, or I'll lose my sanity. (Or, at least, the little bit I have left).

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

And that isn't the John Lewis advert.

No. Stop it. Stop showing it. Stop lying about the way it made you feel all soppy and like the world's biggest prat. No. Just stop it.

I have NEVER seen a worse advert. And I lived through the 90s! I lived through Brit Pop, Girl Power, neon, and Barbie Girl, and have never managed to witness an advert worse than this godawful piece of mess that is the John Lewis ad. There is just so much wrong with this advert that I hardly know where I should begin venting my frustrations. The whole advert just makes my skin crawl.

But the biggest travesties are as follows:-

• The choice of song.

I love The Smiths. I love Morrissey. I love Johnny Marr. And I love "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" almost as much as I love oxygen. It is such a beautiful song and it was the soundtrack to a particularly dire week earlier this summer that culminated in me sitting on a curb outside of a pub in Elephant & Castle crying in biblical rain. Because of that week, "Please, Please, Please" has become my go-to song for whenever I'm stuck in one of my epic "I hate my life" episodes. It is full of such sadness and desperation, much like the rest of The Smiths' back catalogue. It is NOT a song that is fitting for Christmas. And no one should dare attempt a cover version of such a bittersweet song, especially not the dreary mare who sings it in the advert.

• The entire concept

No child in the history of the planet has ever been more excited about giving presents rather receiving them - fact. No child wakes up on Christmas Day and ignores the piles of presents that eagerly await to be savagely unwrapped in favour of giving their parents a shoddily wrapped box that may or may not contain the head of Gordon Brown (where has he disappeared to?!). It doesn't matter how amazing your parents are, you just don't care about them on Christmas Day when you're under the age of seven unless they're giving you a life size collection of Lego and a bubble machine (because we all know kids go batshit crazy for Lego and bubbles). So the entire concept of the advert instantly becomes void as soon as people realise that they actually know a miniature adult and are fully aware of their reasoning.

• The snow

Yes, I'm aware that it's started snowing here in England in recent years. But it's not the pretty white Hollywood style snow that we get. It's not the pretty white, steadily flowing snow that's evident in this advert. In England (and especially London) we get slush. And when it is snow, it's never white for long. A culmination of pollution, rain, and trampy shoes give us a dirty, manky grey coloured snow that stops transport, closes schools, and gives adults the opportunity to skive off of work and make lopsided snowmen. Oh, and it never snows on Christmas Day. I know it's an insignificant part of the advert but my God it drives me crazy.

• The previous years

John Lewis had a challenge on its' hands. Previous Christmas campaigns were amazing (such as the one featuring the Fyfe Dangerfield cover of "Always a Woman") and have become a staple in the Christmas programming schedule. The internet was buzzing with talk of this years' advert long before it aired with people desperate to find out how John Lewis would top the previous ones. We all waited with baited breath and exhaled with a massive sigh of disappointment. The fact is, as soon as John Lewis realised they wouldn't be able to top previous campaigns, they should have given up. Just put out a normal advert that highlighted what was available in their pretty shops. At least one highlight is that next year's advert can't be worse than this one.

Please, John Lewis, don't make it worse.

Tinselitis #5: Tonsillitis

It's happened. Every year in the run up to Christmas, I get some sort of sickness. For the past three years, it's been a nasty combination of a cold and tonsillitis. And it's struck again this year, rearing it's ugly head on Thursday night before unleashing it's full evilness yesterday. But it's not getting in my way.. Shopping is well under way!

I've got four whole people completely bought for. COMPLETELY. That doesn't mean I won't be buying more for them, but for now I've convinced myself that half my battle is done. I'm wrong, of course, but that doesn't stop my little smug feeling of satisfaction.

Along with the pre-Christmas diseases and shopping is my complete and utter triumph... I've spread the Christmas spirit! The Boyfriend, The Sister, The Friends, and now a few others are completely infected. Not with tonsillitis, but with Christmas Spirit (TM). My campaign for the Elves is working...

Tinselitis #4: It's the most wonderful time..

It's creeping closer my friends! In a desperate bid to be able to afford the mammoth pile of presents I've picked out for my inner circle, I've managed to get myself a Christmas job. But not just any Christmas job. Oh no. This is an M&S Christmas job (laugh! You know you want to.) ..In the Christmas department. Which means that I'm living out several epic childhood fantasies. As a complete Christmas nut, I used to listen to Christmas songs as early as July, and pick out presents/wrapping paper in August. Now, it's November, and I can listen to Christmas songs all day long. It drives everyone else mental but I adore it. Christmas is beautiful, and those songs are too good to only listen to for four weeks.

An unexpected result of this is working in retail and, you know, dealing with people. Luckily for me (and unluckily for everyone else) I don't have any horror stories to reveal about the Great British Shopping Public. I'm actually enjoying it. Mainly because I get to listen to Christmas songs all day long. I've even managed to redraft my shopping list, making allowances for any people I will inevitably forget to buy for. But it gets better... I'm managing to spread the Christmas Spirit! I've got everyone in my family already thinking about the Big Day. I've got people at work singing along to the songs. I've got screaming kids at work going batshit crazy over the Mr T talking keyrings. My work is almost done.

Although I'm mightily proud of myself for doing my bit to Save the Elves, I'm also incredibly annoyed with myself. I haven't been to see the Oxford Street Christmas lights yet. Nor the Westfield ones (although that might be because the Bieber was there yesterday and I don't fancy getting crushed into oblivion by screaming prepubescent teenage girls). It's far too early for me to put up my own decorations yet so I need to hurry up and go see the twinkling lights and embrace all the lovely people unknowingly Saving some Elves. (As a side note: Do you think we could expand Hermione Granger's S.P.E.W to include the Christmas Elves? I think we should try...)

Whatever you're doing this Christmas, I hope a part of you will be able to enjoy it as much as I will. It really is magical. And you'll be Saving the Elves! (Think of those poor Elves!)

To get you into the mood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeyHl1tQeaQ

Tinselitis #3: Presents!

So it's happened. I've started my Christmas shopping. Admittedly I haven't bought much and I fear that if I don't wrap the presents soon I'll keep them for myself. But, in my mind, Christmas has officially started. No need to wait for the Oxford Street lights (being switched on by The Saturdays because, apparently, no one famous/with talent could be bothered to turn up) or to buy wrapping paper. I have twelve carefully selected (read: first things I saw) presents just waiting to be beautifully wrapped and then savagely unwrapped by my family.

I'm close to driving The Boyfriend insane. I've already explicitly explained the Elf Story to which I was greeted with looks of pity. The Elf Story is as such. If a person finds out what present they have before the Big Day, one of Santa's Elves will die. Not just a silly little elf-died-in-his-sleep death. Nope. The elf will BLOW UP. The complete lack of Christmas Spirit (TM) causes the poor little elf to literally explode. Now, keep in mind that my mum told me this story when I was three. THREE YEARS OLD. The Boyfriend is now fully informed of the Elf Story so hopefully will not contemplate sneaking around to find his presents.

Now, luckily for the elves, I have plenty of Christmas Spirit (TM) to go around. I'm doing my bit to save as many elves as I possibly can. That includes buying and wrapping presents, singing Christmas songs and continuing my Tinselitis countdown. You know you should join in now. For the elves.