Night of the Living Beliebers

Think back, if you will, to late 2009. Ireland were still reeling after Thierry Henry's handball, Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito were found guilty of Meredith Kercher's murder, Patrick Stewart became Sir Patrick Stewart, and the worst thing Canada had ever done was force Trey Parker and Matt Stone to write 'Blame Canada'. No one could be prepared for the almighty shitstorm that was about to reign upon us.

January 2010 saw the UK launch of the incredibly high-pitched, and highly-styled haircut of a certain Mr Justin Drew Bieber. The insanely annoying 'One Time' catapulted him into the hearts of millions of prepubescent girls, and into the 'I don't care' files of millions of adults. But we should have cared. Oh, boy, we should have paid more attention.

Now, the Bieber is harmless enough. His songs are, quite frankly, abysmal at times, and the oft-copied ludicrous hairstyle is but a memory now. He's just a young kid living his dream (TM) and making an absolute fortune in the process. Good on him. Who wouldn't want to be so rich it masks the pain of growing up in Canada? The problem I have isn't with the singing Canadian haircut. It's with the legion of rabid fans who have become so obsessive that I genuinely fear for their health.

The self-styled Beliebers seem harmless enough from the outside: just a small army of almost teenage girls who idolise the little Bieber (I say little as I have literally no idea how tall he is. And, also, he's younger than me, making his height a null point). Every young girl or boy goes through a stage of having their celebrity crush, or hero, but never before have I seen it taken to such drastic lengths.

Beliebers sit at their computers (which they're too young to operate correctly) playing Justin's videos on repeat on YouTube (which are amongst the most viewed videos of the site's history) and spouting actual hatred towards anyone who dares to criticise him. I'm not talking silly little "you're an idiot" type playground arguments. These little creatures launch mass attacks of the vilest kind.

There was a highly publicised incident in late 2010 in which a disgustingly high number of Beliebers took to Twitter to send absolutely disgusting and horrifying messages to Lily Allen. The singer - a prolific user of Twitter - had suffered a second heartbreaking miscarriage and the response from a high number of Beliebers on the site is enough to make anyone's skin crawl. The exact message which had been retweeted a shockingly high number of times has been deleted, but thanks to the magic of the internet, it lives on...

You may wonder what Lily Allen's crime was? She once sent a tweet stating that she wasn't a fan of the Canadian haircut. Many tried to write off the Beliebers' comments as naive and foolish, but I do not. If they are old enough to use the internet unsupervised, they are old enough to know that a miscarriage is incredibly traumatic and painful, and absolutely not a laughing matter. I can only hope they never have to go through such an ordeal.

The Belieber fuelled hatred doesn't just happen on a public level, either. I myself have received countless messages of hate from these little girls. I expressed my disdain of Bieber allegedly releasing a cover of Prince's 'Purple Rain' to be told "go die bitch", or "you shoulda been aborted". Some of the more straightforward tweets simply said "fuck you". 

Do I believe the Beliebers to be dangerous? Absolutely. Not necessarily to others, but almost certainly to themselves. They are known to send death threats (and I will undoubtedly receive a few myself if they ever catch wind of this). I get that teenage girls are often lost in the haze of puberty, but these young girls are taking it to a whole different level. They are extremely obsessive, extremely possessive, and extremely deluded. A recent trending topic on Twitter was "Justin makes me wet". God only knows if these 12 year olds even know what that means or implies.

A whole new world (you totally just sang that, didn't you? You're singing it again now!) has opened up with the Beliebers. We now have obsessive fan groups for just about every singer or celebrity out there, each group determined to be more prolific and loving for their idol. Here in the UK, we have Directioners, the ever-growing base of Wand Erection, sorry, One Direction fans who are looking to rapidly overtake the Beliebers in the contest for Most Annoying Twitter Users. I've also received death threats from Directioners.. funny little things, these teenage girls. I hear they are currently spreading across the world and, for that, I can only apologise.

Eventually, everything will die down. Beiber will either get married or go the Macaulay Culkin route and lose his beloved fans and hair. One Direction will split up after the obligatory mid-tour bust up. The little girls will grow up and become mothers and will, hopefully, shudder if they see their own offspring acting in a similar way. But at this moment in time, the Beliebers are a clear and present danger, a plague on Twitter, and should be forced to carry a warning tick on their profiles, rather than a validation tick. 

Tuesday.

The Boyfriend isn’t here tonight. And my funemployment reached new levels of smugness just now when I realised that pretty much every branch of South London travel is currently affected by manic chaos (person under a train at Norbury, person under a train at Stockwell, Victoria station closed, London Bridge station closed.. How on earth will we cope with the Olympics?!)

Being at home sans Lurch tonight means that I absolutely have the time to do everything I am too embarrassed to do in his company: exercise, militant skincare regime, weeping wildly to West Side Story/Funny Girl/any other musical I can get my hands on tonight. I also definitely get to watch Glee without being criticised (I need some Lea Michele in my life, it’s been too long!)

Although, I know what I’ll totally end up doing tonight. I’ll open a bottle of wine, listen to John Mayer for hours whilst smoking a ridiculous amount of cigarettes, and crying endlessly whilst I listen to ‘Gravity’ on a loop. Until 2am finally arrives and working links for Glee are plastered online, so that I can then spend 45 minutes crying endlessly whilst either listening to Lea Michele serenading me or despairing at how much Ryan Murphy hates me and doesn’t want to let me listen to Ms Lea Michele.

Oh, and I will almost definitely try to teach my cats how to dance. Who needs exercise, anyway? 

"Welcome to the real world" she said to me, condescendingly. Or: How John Mayer potentially ruined my life.

So today was a fairly liberating day. I discovered a few days ago whilst in the beginning fuzzy haze of flu that my temporary contract at work was being shortened by a month. Like all self-respecting slaves to the pound, I just nodded my head and got on with my awful job, mentally preparing myself for the quicker-than-expected return of unemployment. But today, things got a little bit strange. Having been up most of the night because of this damn cold/flu hybrid, I found myself listening to John Mayer again. John Mayer was my normal night time companion until I got a real-life boyfriend and had to mentally break up with The Mayer but he made a spectacular return last night. And what a wonderful impact he made. I had almost (not quite but almost) forgotten how amazing The Mayer was/is and he couldn't have reminded me at a better time.

So this morning, I wake up, get ready for my last ever shift on the shopfloor from hell, and a creepy realisation dawned on me. I didn't have to work my last shift. Why should I? I had done nothing but work ridiculously hard for nine weeks to get the reward of "your last day is Saturday". No thank you's, no reward, no acknowledgement. So with the lyrics from "No Such Thing" and "Why Georgia" playing on a blurred loop in my head, I headed into the office and gleefully said my goodbyes. I cleared my locker and headed for the train home. And then my heart sank. I had potentially just ruined my life. Instead of going into the New Year with a job and money, I was heading into 2012 penniless and unemployed. Maybe this was what I needed to do in order to succeed in 2012 and if it was then, hell yeah, I'm a bloody psychic. If, however, 2012 is a failure then please do not blame me. Blame The Mayer.

Amazing Songs That Nowhere Near Enough People Know Part One

k.d. lang - Constant Craving

Seriously, this song is amazing, with some of the most beautiful and heartbreaking lyrics you will ever hear. But pretty much NO ONE I know knows this song. Which is a shame. It's also a shame that if k.d. lang looked like Heidi Klum and was as straight as a ruler, people would actually care about her. But because she's not beautiful, and is gay as they come, she's ignored/unknown/ridiculed. Ridiculous.

Opinion: Little Mix

It's time for me to shamefully admit to something. Every year, I pretend that I couldn't care less about The X Factor/Britain's Got Talent/I'm a Celebrity, but every year I become hooked on at least one of them. This year was the turn of The X Factor (and I'm a Celebrity. Can't recall a bit of this year's BGT). Last Sunday saw Little Mix crowned the show's eight winning act, and first winning group, and they look a dead cert to be number one tomorrow with their not-as-awful-as-expected cover of the beautiful 'Cannonball' by the stupidly underrated yet amazingly brilliant Damien Rice.

Plenty of people have been quick to cry fix this year. From Kelly Rowland's amazing sick voice, to Amelia Lily-gate, there have been plenty of headlines made this year by the ever revolving PR door at Syco HQ but the win by Little Mix has probably topped them all. Yes, a group (a girl group no less) has finally won, but does it really need to have been a fix? Watching all of Little Mix's performances back (I admit that I only got invested on Sunday nights, the main shows went on far too long) it's quite apparent to see why they won. They delivered consistently good performances each week, didn't sound completely dreadful in the vocals department, looked like regular, normal young girls, and won over the elusive teen girl crowd. Although not a fan of their take on EnVogue's 'Don't Let Go' (I realise I'm in the minority here), I was completely in awe of their performances of Nelly Furtado's 'I'm Like a Bird' (a song that has been done to death on reality shows) and especially Katy Perry's 'E.T.'

In my personal, humble, and unwanted opinion, it was their performance of 'E.T.' that won them the show. The vocals were spot on, the dance routine was of a high quality, and the general staging of the performance was, quite simply, breathtaking. Despite favouring Marcus Collins, I was desperate for Little Mix to win. As a group, they would be best suited to the Syco/major record company mould: they would consistently put out catchy songs, fill a niche in the market (there hasn't been a UK number 1 by a girl group since the truly amazing 'The Promise' by Girls Aloud in 2008) and capitalise on the success of the show. Marcus, on the other hand, needed to lose in order to be free from the Simon Cowell chains. He needed to lose in order to prevent himself from becoming the next Steve Brookstein, Leon Jackson, or Joe McElderry (I didn't even have to Google those names! That's true X Factor dedication right there!). I have no doubt that Marcus will follow in the footsteps of JLS and Olly Murs and become highly successful. I just think that Little Mix needed to win in order to succeed.

Having read various interviews featuring the four girls, I've warmed to them quite rapidly over the past two months. Like many, I was absolutely horrified at the sheer outpouring of vile hatred towards Jesy Nelson who, in my opinion, is a perfectly normal looking, healthy individual. The four girls - Jesy, Perrie Edwards, Leigh-Anne Pinnock, and Jade Thirlwall - have an edge about them that The Saturdays et al don't have. To borrow a cliche from Louis Walsh, they're likeable. They don't dress like whores. Each one of them can sing (yes, some better than others, but who cares?! They'll get better as time goes on). Each one of them can dance. They have - from what's been portrayed - excitable, bubbly, down-to-earth personalities. None of them seem the type to send an ex-boyfriend to rehab, or proudly declare that they are the best thing since sliced bread when only two-thirds of them can sing. I'm proudly rooting for Little Mix to do well. So much so, that I actually went out and bought their CD single.

Looking at the other prospective girl group that's been thrown in our faces at the moment - Mathew Knowles' From Above - it's not hard to see where my allegiances lie. From Above recently launched their debut video for their debut song 'Not The Same Girl' and I was ever so slightly horrified. I won't post the link (you can search it up if you're desperate) but I will say one thing: If the roles in that video were reversed and it was a group of men doing to a woman what those five girls are doing to that one man in the video then there would be an uproar. I've grown tired of the girl bands we've had lately: all dolled up, gyrating around in stilletoes and singing pointless drivel. I want a down-to-earth, consistent, talented group that I wouldn't be ashamed to hear my little cousin singing along to on the radio. Yes, Little Mix are a manufactured group, but they're the best hope we have right now. And I, for one, can't wait to see them succeed.

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

And that isn't the John Lewis advert.

No. Stop it. Stop showing it. Stop lying about the way it made you feel all soppy and like the world's biggest prat. No. Just stop it.

I have NEVER seen a worse advert. And I lived through the 90s! I lived through Brit Pop, Girl Power, neon, and Barbie Girl, and have never managed to witness an advert worse than this godawful piece of mess that is the John Lewis ad. There is just so much wrong with this advert that I hardly know where I should begin venting my frustrations. The whole advert just makes my skin crawl.

But the biggest travesties are as follows:-

• The choice of song.

I love The Smiths. I love Morrissey. I love Johnny Marr. And I love "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" almost as much as I love oxygen. It is such a beautiful song and it was the soundtrack to a particularly dire week earlier this summer that culminated in me sitting on a curb outside of a pub in Elephant & Castle crying in biblical rain. Because of that week, "Please, Please, Please" has become my go-to song for whenever I'm stuck in one of my epic "I hate my life" episodes. It is full of such sadness and desperation, much like the rest of The Smiths' back catalogue. It is NOT a song that is fitting for Christmas. And no one should dare attempt a cover version of such a bittersweet song, especially not the dreary mare who sings it in the advert.

• The entire concept

No child in the history of the planet has ever been more excited about giving presents rather receiving them - fact. No child wakes up on Christmas Day and ignores the piles of presents that eagerly await to be savagely unwrapped in favour of giving their parents a shoddily wrapped box that may or may not contain the head of Gordon Brown (where has he disappeared to?!). It doesn't matter how amazing your parents are, you just don't care about them on Christmas Day when you're under the age of seven unless they're giving you a life size collection of Lego and a bubble machine (because we all know kids go batshit crazy for Lego and bubbles). So the entire concept of the advert instantly becomes void as soon as people realise that they actually know a miniature adult and are fully aware of their reasoning.

• The snow

Yes, I'm aware that it's started snowing here in England in recent years. But it's not the pretty white Hollywood style snow that we get. It's not the pretty white, steadily flowing snow that's evident in this advert. In England (and especially London) we get slush. And when it is snow, it's never white for long. A culmination of pollution, rain, and trampy shoes give us a dirty, manky grey coloured snow that stops transport, closes schools, and gives adults the opportunity to skive off of work and make lopsided snowmen. Oh, and it never snows on Christmas Day. I know it's an insignificant part of the advert but my God it drives me crazy.

• The previous years

John Lewis had a challenge on its' hands. Previous Christmas campaigns were amazing (such as the one featuring the Fyfe Dangerfield cover of "Always a Woman") and have become a staple in the Christmas programming schedule. The internet was buzzing with talk of this years' advert long before it aired with people desperate to find out how John Lewis would top the previous ones. We all waited with baited breath and exhaled with a massive sigh of disappointment. The fact is, as soon as John Lewis realised they wouldn't be able to top previous campaigns, they should have given up. Just put out a normal advert that highlighted what was available in their pretty shops. At least one highlight is that next year's advert can't be worse than this one.

Please, John Lewis, don't make it worse.

Fix Factor?

Every year there are a million and one rumours flying around about The X Factor. But I think this one might take more than the usual bit of explaining to subdue.

Earlier today, HMV added a new CD single to its pre-order section. Said single was labelled as The X Factor Winner's Single. And it's artist? Amelia Lily.

Amelia Lily, dubbed the "Comeback Kid". Picture credit: Now Magazine

It's no secret that each year The X Factor has each of the three (or four) finalists record their own version of The Winner's Single, but I personally can't recall a bigger cock-up than this before. In fact, I've been watching The X Factor since it began and I can't recall a more controversial series than this one.

Sure, each year has it's fair share of controversies (the obligatory boy/girl bands hastily put together at Boot Camp, warring judges, contestants who already have record deals) but this year seems to have every type of scandal possible. There was obviously Frankie Cocozza - who's early exit paved the way for Amelia's return - the "battle" between Tulisa and Kelly, the "battle" between Tulisa and Mischa B, Kelly Rowland's infamous sick voice (which I will definitely try out at some point in my life to see if it gets me a day off work) and Kitty Brucknell's constant struggle to be the world's most annoying woman. So after reviewing the HMV mistake (which has, conveniently, disappeared whilst the site undergoes maintenance) I'm almost convinced that it wasn't a mistake. It was a genuine marketing ploy by Simon Cowell, ITV, et al. After all, the initial thumbnail for the single was nestled between One Direction and Leona Lewis, two of X Factor's most famous alumni.

Take a look at the image below and decide for yourself whether it's a genuine mistake, a fix, or a clever placement to gain column inches for the failing show. Personally, I'm rooting for Little Mix to win with Marcus coming second. At least he might have a decent chance of having a career to match his talent then.

Tinselitis #8: Bad Scissors!

I am oh so proud of myself. Today, in the space of an hour, I managed to browse, select, purchase, and wrap the presents for two whole people. Amazing. They look so pretty in their perfect little silver wrapping paper, and then in their beautiful little gift bags. It will be heartbreaking to give them away.

There are only two shopping weeks left until Christmas, which means that despite my best intentions, I will still be out buying presents in the week leading up to Christmas. To counteract that, I'm going to be especially proactive this year.. By stocking up on wrapping paper and stocking fillers from Boxing Day 2011 all throughout the January sales, meaning that this time next year, it will only be the main presents that need to be bought.

I'm leaving it short and sweet this week (I'll be back with a vengeance next week!) and shall depart now. I'm leaving this for you, though. In honour of the horrid weather we're having...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--2Mwp7X-X0&feature=related

Tinselitis #7: My Very Own Xmas Chart

Double whammy of Tinsilitis this week due to me being completely lame and not posting anything last week. Sorry about that. Don't blame me, blame the flu!

I've decided to make Edition Seven extra special by giving you my complete Christmas song countdown. My favourite 10 songs for you to enjoy as we ring in December. So join in, listen loudly, and let me know if there's anything you disagree with.

10 - Boney M, Mary's Boy Child
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxm1FlLSfe4

Alright, they never actually sang anything. But Boney M's German-techno take on the classic Mary's Boy Child is a lasting Christmas tradition. Yes, it's cheesy and ever-so-slightly-awful, but you know you love it.

9 - Dean Martin, Winter Wonderland
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkFP0VwpPRY

Are you listening?!... Although there have been many, many, MANY versions of this song, some of which are awful (yes, you, Jessica Simpson), but Dean Martin's version is a lasting treasure.

8 - Eartha Kitt, Santa Baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-bid96fVUs&ob=av2n

Although Eartha Kitt will always be, as a 90s kid, Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove, she was very well known and loved for this Christmas classic from 1953.

7 - Wham, Last Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI

Back in the 80s, Yuppies were a new invention, Donny Wahlberg didn't/couldn't act, and the world pretended to think that George Michael was straight. If Wham! did anything good (other than that amazing exclamation mark) it was this. Complete with bells, a broken festive heart, and some truly dodgy hairstyles on offer in the video, this is a Christmas classic that is always murdered on the karaoke.

6 - Dean Martin, Let It Snow!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dfbSSU0gFA&feature=fvst

Another Dean Martin entry. I adore this song. Especially my sister's slightly idiotic version. For me, this is the one that makes me crave snow despite despising the grey slushy stuff (it's never white in London).

5 - Judy Garland, Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo

I love Judy Garland. I love Meet Me In St Louis. I love Christmas. There is no better combination than this. Enjoy and thank me later.

4 - Wizzard, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoxQ4Ul_DME&ob=av2e

Even listening to it now, I get the giddy Christmas feeling I used to get as a kid. I feel the same way I did then - I really do wish it could be Christmas every day. Every. Single. Day. Without exception.

3 - Band Aid, Do They Know It's Christmas?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5cX_ncZLls

I get goosebumps whenever this song starts playing. An incredible song featuring some of the 80s' most important stars (hello Boy George! Simon LeBon!) it inspired the world to think that you could, indeed, save the world with music. And I don't care what anyone says, my stomach drops a bit whenever Bono sings that line. The less said about subsequent versions, the better.

2 - Mariah Carey, All I Want For Christmas Is You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY&ob=av3n

I can't sing. At all. Does that stop me from screaming this out every December? No, it doesn't. This is probably the first Christmas song I can remember (I was only three when it came out!) and, as a result, it has featured pretty heavily in my life. I can't help but smile when I hear it. Or sing. No matter where I am.

1 - The Pogues & Kirsty McColl, Fairytale Of New York
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjEIP6otc4Y

I don't know if it's because I'm Irish and therefore know the words to the quoted Galway Bay, or if it's just the pure sadness and unChristmassy feel of it that makes me love this song so much. Whatever the reason, I love it. Even the sweary bits. Especially the sweary bits, actually. This song is too good to be kept just for Christmas but I resist the urge to play it throughout the year, just so that I can enjoy that bit more each December. And what a voice Kirsty McColl was. A delight.


I should probably mention that I originally had a list of 25 but had to cut it down due to not wanting to kill anyone with boredom. There are tons of Christmas songs still stuck on my iTunes playlist, begging to be published. Maybe I'll save them for next year..

Tinselitis #4: It's the most wonderful time..

It's creeping closer my friends! In a desperate bid to be able to afford the mammoth pile of presents I've picked out for my inner circle, I've managed to get myself a Christmas job. But not just any Christmas job. Oh no. This is an M&S Christmas job (laugh! You know you want to.) ..In the Christmas department. Which means that I'm living out several epic childhood fantasies. As a complete Christmas nut, I used to listen to Christmas songs as early as July, and pick out presents/wrapping paper in August. Now, it's November, and I can listen to Christmas songs all day long. It drives everyone else mental but I adore it. Christmas is beautiful, and those songs are too good to only listen to for four weeks.

An unexpected result of this is working in retail and, you know, dealing with people. Luckily for me (and unluckily for everyone else) I don't have any horror stories to reveal about the Great British Shopping Public. I'm actually enjoying it. Mainly because I get to listen to Christmas songs all day long. I've even managed to redraft my shopping list, making allowances for any people I will inevitably forget to buy for. But it gets better... I'm managing to spread the Christmas Spirit! I've got everyone in my family already thinking about the Big Day. I've got people at work singing along to the songs. I've got screaming kids at work going batshit crazy over the Mr T talking keyrings. My work is almost done.

Although I'm mightily proud of myself for doing my bit to Save the Elves, I'm also incredibly annoyed with myself. I haven't been to see the Oxford Street Christmas lights yet. Nor the Westfield ones (although that might be because the Bieber was there yesterday and I don't fancy getting crushed into oblivion by screaming prepubescent teenage girls). It's far too early for me to put up my own decorations yet so I need to hurry up and go see the twinkling lights and embrace all the lovely people unknowingly Saving some Elves. (As a side note: Do you think we could expand Hermione Granger's S.P.E.W to include the Christmas Elves? I think we should try...)

Whatever you're doing this Christmas, I hope a part of you will be able to enjoy it as much as I will. It really is magical. And you'll be Saving the Elves! (Think of those poor Elves!)

To get you into the mood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeyHl1tQeaQ